Nighttime Hosts Target Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Immigration Plan

Late-night's leading entertainers devoted their airtime ridiculing former President Donald Trump's just launched immigration initiative, dubbed the "Trump card," describing it as a blatant pay-to-play arrangement for the wealthy.

Stephen Colbert's Witty Analysis

Opening his program, Stephen Colbert offered a mock Christmas jingle targeting the president. "He's making a list, checking it twice, and then handing that list to the people at ICE," he intoned. "Donald Trump ... ruins everything he comes into contact with."

The subject was the new plan which permits international individuals to buy U.S. residence for the price of $1 million dollars, or "premium" option for $5 million. An official page pledges approval "with unprecedented speed."

"A brief note for you to rich applicants: prior to you pony up, have you considered Canada?" Colbert quipped.

He noted that the program is also intended to "squeeze cash" from firms wanting to hire foreign workers, involving large costs. "That's a lot of fees, but if you register, you also get a complimentary stay at a hotel of your choosing – if it's the a specific Marriott," he said.

"The most thorough vetting the U.S. government has ever done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to ensure these people completely qualify to be in America."

"That is important, you gotta prove you're fit to be an American," Colbert said dryly. "The initial query: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Commentary

On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the initiative the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"Here's a card that will allow rich international individuals to live here," he stated. "For a million dollars, you get official visitor status, you get a road to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one serious crime of your choice."

"Perhaps it's time to change that poem on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your poor masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he added.

Kimmel mocked the simplicity of the application, noting it is "harder to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a steak."

"Indeed, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "It's what Jesus constantly said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you give the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers discussing Economic Issues

On another network, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's slipping poll numbers amid financial anxiety. "People gave Donald Trump a second term because they were mad about the economy," he said.

This week, in a bid to tackle cost of living, Trump held a briefing in front of a selection of grocery items, where he reacted peculiarly to boxes of cereal.

"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take some of them with me to my cottage and have a lot of fun," Trump remarked. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a ages."

"Trump is so extremely weird," Meyers reacted. "Like, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by criticizing conservative news defenses of Trump's economic performance. "Maybe rather than complaining, you should give him a sparkling trophy similar to the one FIFA did," he laughed.